EBWH Resource Roundup: Grief & Loss Edition
What losing my father taught me about healing, community, and choosing joy again.
Today marks four years since I walked into my father’s church in Columbus, GA, to say goodbye to him for the final time. In these past four years, I’ve learned that the grief process isn’t as simple as people would like you to believe. I’ve gone from straight-up denial that my father had passed away to anger that the Lord would take him so soon.
However, it’s been through this grief process that I’ve learned the thing that I need most isn’t solitude, but support. The same applies to you. Even if you haven’t lost a parent, there’s a good chance that over the past four years, you have much to grieve.
The loss of a job.
The loss of a child.
The loss of a home.
The loss of a relationship.
The point is that grief comes in many forms.
As Michelle Gil, The Grief Curator, says, “Grief is not a problem to be fixed. It is love with nowhere to go.” That’s why I don’t see grief as something I must fix. It’s not a problem, but an aspect of life we’re not always prepared to handle.
In a world of instant gratification and toxic positivity, grief is the thing that we often put in the corner as if pretending it’s not there will make it go away. But grief is not something that we can ignore (for too long at least).
Grief doesn’t just live in our minds but takes up residence in our bodies.
You might notice it in ways that don’t immediately register as grief: constant fatigue, muscle tension, headaches, digestive issues, or even flare-ups of chronic conditions. For Black women, that mind-body connection can often get dismissed or misdiagnosed. Think about how often you’ve been told that “you’ve got this” when you really needed permission to ask for help and support?
What’s even scarier is that research shows grief can weaken the immune system, increase blood pressure, and even mimic symptoms of depression. But it can also be a call to rest and tend to your body as much as your heart.
Resources to Support You On Your Grief Journey
Whether you’re grieving the loss of a job or your home, I want you to know that resources are available to support you in the grieving process. Thus, I’m sharing two resources that have helped me during my grief journey and may help you.
1: Find a Great Therapist or Grief Counselor
I’ve been working with a therapist for a little over three years, and I can genuinely tell you that our monthly check-ins have made a world of difference during my grieving process. I will say that you don’t need to go with the first therapist you meet. Feel free to have a few sessions together to see if this person is right for you. That’s all to say you don’t need to “spill the tea” in your first session or even the first year of working together. As you build a relationship together, there are aspects of your grief that you will feel more comfortable sharing over time.
Tips for finding the right therapist or counselor:
Give the person a chance. You might not hit it off in the first session, so give it a few more before seeing another therapist.
Give therapy a chance. Even if the first therapist or two doesn’t work, it does not mean therapy isn’t for you. It just means they weren’t for you.
2: Find a Local or Virtual Community
As a transplant to Massachusetts, one of the things that I discovered early on was the importance of being part of a local community. I’m part of several local communities, including my church family and sorority sisters. I’ve spent many bible studies and Friendsgivings with those in my community who are also navigating their own grief. Even though they aren’t grief-focused, the relationships that we have built have allowed us to hold space for one another.
Tips for finding the right local or virtual community:
Understand what the community brings to the table. Whether you’re joining a community with in-person meetups or virtual resources, knowing what is and isn’t included is essential.
Know what the return on investment (ROI) will be. There are “costs” of joining every community, so knowing the ROI of your time, energy, and/or money is crucial.
Most importantly, remember that it’s absolutely okay not to be OK.
This last one is for my “strong friends” suffering in silence. I want you to know that it’s not your responsibility to keep it together while everyone else falls apart. As someone who has borne that burden for far too long, I’m telling you right now that taking care of yourself first isn’t selfish. It’s one of the kindest things you can do.
Pretending to be okay serves no one. So, find the therapist, grief counselor, or community you can connect with. While suffering might be a part of life, so is joy. Choose joy whenever and wherever you can.